the reason i’m stuck in my head is because my thoughts don’t go anywhere, they just go round and around in my head.

and it hurts.

I need an outlet. An outlet to voice what I really think, freely. An outlet to do what I need to do, freely. Every thought and every action, I question. It hurts. I hope you read this.

This is the one thing I’ve ever done, this writing shit, and now its got too much. I left behind the very reason why I did this, why I started. An outlet for me, in which no one knows. These constant thoughts need to go somewhere, they need to leave and be outed.

I like doing stuff no one knows.

It’s so hard to change. Who is it, is it me? I wrote something once, let me find and insert… oh wait, perhaps it’s not, I didn’t write it, I saw it, I read it, and here it is:

Henri Matisse – Woman Reading in a Garden.

Henri has a few paintings like this and what do they all have, what is the common denominator?..

“they have to hand, perhaps the best possible replacement when the immediate community has let us down: books”

Now, I am not saying my immediate community has let me down, my immediate community has done everything, everything, and beyond to help me. It is unfathomable how much they have, I can’t put it into words. However, what if my immediate community has let me down?

When I say this, I mean we talk to each other, we talk about change, but we never actually do (I contradict and lie – We do change, but oh so fucking slowly) . We don’t act on what we say as a collective. I don’t help them, they don’t help me. We need to change together. When was the last time you said how it is to your best friend. This may just be me, and I may not even have an immediate community, but what I feel and understand by this, it has an element of truth.

My immediate community has let me down. Not in a negative way at all…please take what I say, hmmm philosophically?, with a pinch of salt and understanding. The community in which I lie, has hindered me from change. They reel me back in, they put pressure on me to do things, live a certain way, recently and for all of past time. It is winter, and it is hard, but this is the time…put the work in now to enjoy the experience later, I always come back to this.. . If I turn now, it will be hard for them to understand at first, some may never, some may never see it through, but they are my friends, they are my immediate community and I believe that they can, and will. Do I change now? The truth can hurt sometimes.

I’m not perfect, in fact, I let my community down. I don’t see people when I should, I don’t say how it is…I do all the things they don’t do, likewise. Perhaps it is part of it all, letting the immediate community down, to take that one step back to move the two steps forward. Refine and go again. We live in a world of refinement, not invention. You can’t just invent a new, immediate community.

“it is others that make you realize your dreams, it’s not you, they make your dream, because if they are not prepared to follow you … it will never come true”

Marco Pierre White

I then awake to the thought that this might all just be excuses, finding someone to blame for it all, blaming them and passing the buck, it definitely could be argued.

So here it is, an open letter to you all, to all and whoever that reads. I am going to be true to myself, despite the truth hurting – I will hurt you and love you like two parallel tracks of trains as we run down time till death.